this afternoon i took the e-tray part of my civil service application. it went mediocrely. i am poor at estimating how well i have done in assessments, and how well i am expected to do in order to beat other people. but even with that in mind, i would be surprised if i were to be told that i had passed it successfully.

teach first really jammed a door wedge up the arse-crack of my future plans. i like to make plans. i like those plans to come to fruition. every new thing in my life that i like becomes incorporated into my plans. when our offer was accepted for that flat in stratford, i made many plans about what to do to it, what would go where, what furniture to buy, how i would feel sitting in the living room killing zombies with my brother and two strangers across the atlantic. then it fell through and i felt rudderless.

when teach first told me i had to go to the west midlands, i immediately knew that i needed to apply to something else. the end-goal of teach first was to get an easier route into civil service anyway, so it made sense to apply for the fast stream. once the initial application had been made, i assumed that i was destined to get in. i have therefore planned around my life as a civil servant. the question was not whether i would get in, but rather what departments i would end up in, and whether i might make it into the diplomatic corps. i did not entertain the prospect of failure.

now i fear that i must. of course, i still need to wait and see. but it felt a lot like my cambridge interview, where i could sense the opportunity slipping away more and more by the minute.

when the estate agent asked me the other day what i do for a living, i said i was a recruitment consultant for now, but that i would be starting in the civil service in september. no lie.

teach first is no longer an option. i’m happy in london. i’ve even been back in touch with old friends who i have really missed a lot, and i’m enjoying spending time with them. amris is still sexy and interested and greater-london-based. and now we have had an offer accepted on a flat in walthamstow (walthamstow!) (really!) my living arrangements are also pretty sweet here.

ahh i’m just complaining. i’m spoiled, i realised. i assume that because i want to be in the civil service, that it ought to happen. i know i could do a job there. but so what? i’m not so important that i can barge my way past countless other deserving graduates. i’m lucky anyway. there are a billion other jobs that aren’t recruitment. if i have to wait another year or so to get one, then so be it. that’s what i’ll do.

god recruitment gets me down though. it’s so stupid. every word uttered during my day is stupid. the shit-eating sales grin is stupid. the high target-setting dressed up as optimism is stupid. my colleagues are well-meaning but pretty stupid. i don’t give a fraction of a fifth of a fuck about money if it means acting like a monkey for eleven hours a day trying hard not to tell your conservative colleagues that they are textbook examples of right leaning ignorance and your liberal colleagues that they are actually conservatives with intellectual inferiority complexes.


fingers crossed.

— 2 years ago